Just snapshots in my mind...

We saw you last week. You were happy. There with your ready, easy smile. As usual everything was good, your kitty was happy and saying hey, you had good things going on.

Now all I can do is think of the last time we saw you and go over it all...nit picking to try to find something. Any god damned clue whatsoever. How? Why? THERE ARE NO WORDS.

You went to see family and come home to shoot yourself.

I just...I can't stop hoping this is a bad dream. That if I get up in the morning and call, you will answer with that 'hey Hey! What's up, dude?' followed with a 'yeah, man, I'll be here, just buzz me'. We were going to ebay your computer so you could get something smaller! You were going to move to a cheaper place...

A place with a balcony.

You were saying that night that if you had a balcony you would be out on it all the time. It was weird to smoke inside so every time I was over, I would mention it and you would say the same damn thing, if you had a balcony then you would be out there smoking ALL the time.

I am feeling kind of pissed. You took off on us, everyone. A phone call. THAT IS ALL YOU HAD TO DO! We were ALL here for you! Fuck.

Why did you have to kill yourself? Why did you come home and shoot yourself? WHAT the HELL.

That smile, that was always ready for anyone. The twinkle in your eyes. The easy way you held yourself.

No more of that.

No more running into you randomly as we were (I just typed are...) NEIGHBORS. See now, there is a place here in OUR hood where the entire place is in tears. Because none of us can understand. No one can see a clue. Out of the blue. Or should I say Bleu.

We are all left without any understanding of how a bright, quick, happy and healthy young man can do...off with himself. You could have called. We were all here.

Waiting forever now, as all you are to any of us now is just a snapshot in our minds. No matter what we do we can't do anything but remember you, we cannot create new images or events so you are relegated to being pictures flipped in our minds. Just snapshots, you are and were a great guy. You will be sorely missed....it's random people like you who come along into our lives who just make sense.

And then that happened. Which scares me beyond reason...I mean, if you are HAPPY.

AND HEALTHY.

And have what seems to be a lot going for you. Good looking, decent job that you enjoy, friends. All that. Great place (sans balcony, dude, you had the BEST floors! Hardwood!)...

That is what scares me. It makes me look at everyone I know. It scares me to think that at any point any one of my friends or family might just...

I can't even think it.

I just keep a picture, a snapshot in my head, you, chill...laughing (loved your laugh) and that smile, kicking back on the couch. Or another favorite, helping me get OUT, damn there was some cool and weird old locks on your door!